actually, I'm a sock model
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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