shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
