he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize