im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
