It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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