im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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