It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
