I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
