some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
