Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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