id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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