Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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