I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
