sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
