piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
