Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
