so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize