Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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