maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
