I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
