mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
