If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I think my moral compass just broke
There are leaves in my underwear?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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