just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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