My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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