im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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