A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
