first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
