So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I cannot find my penis.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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