i don't like sucking hair
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
