I hate your face
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
