I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
sarcasm needs its own font
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
