Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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