I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
