considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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