i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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