I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
