I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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