Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
