Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
