Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
