upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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