Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
