So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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