my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize