You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
