I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
