i may or may not be watching the land before time
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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