This is not my ceiling
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
