This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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