when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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