i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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