You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
