when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
