The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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