My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
