a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize