Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
