bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
