We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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